Hypnagogia I

When I close my eyes and allow myself to almost fall asleep, I can spot patterns of light dancing rhythmically on the inside of my eyelids. After a while, they turn into waves. These waves must come from an ocean – perhaps the same as gives rise to the “oceanic feeling”.

If our thoughts are real – and they are as real as anything – then the thought itself must be alive, and it must be produced by something that is itself alive. Therefore we can know that each wave (or thought) that we experience is created on the surface of the ocean by another living being – a god.

Whenever we’re truly paying attention, we cannot be bored. Unfortunately, it’s very hard to pay attention. Perhaps that’s because we’re supposed to feel bored. Indeed, boredom is subtle. Delicate. It’s where the meaninglessness is, and that meaninglessness is one side of the ocean whose waves are thoughts. We are looking up at the thought from below, and seeing it from inside what it creates; on the other side, there is a god looking down, which creates us.

When we feel trapped, it’s because the god has total freedom. When we feel free, the god is sleeping, and the wave is flowing without guidance. Meaninglessness for us is the god’s playfulness, like when we daydream about evil things. That’s why in dreams, terror and amusement go together. When we dream, the veil between us and our god is lifted. When we’re awake, the meaningfulness of the divine can overwhelm us and cause us to become paradoxically apathetic. We confuse meaning for its opposite, like looking into the sun and going blind.